The dark side of me
by MadameSutcliff
Summary: A different take on how Grell and William met, and the stories of their pasts. Two very different people with the same dark secrets. Descriptions of self harm/bulimia/possible abuse. Rating may go up for yaoi content later and this is a Grelliam story.
1. Chapter 1

**So I got majorly inspired to write this story because I just started group therapy last night (yes I am one fucked up individual) and it was interesting, everyone seemed nice at least. Anyway, it gave me the idea for this story, and I want to write a Grelliam fic, so here ya go. This will be a yaoi story but in much later chapters, it shall just be rated T for now. There will be self harm/eating disorder content, and language. You have been warned. So, without further ado, I present my second kuroshitsuji fic, The Dark Side of Me. I own nothing.**

The older man sighed and pressed his fingers to his temples, exasperated that the young shinigami had landed himself in his office _again._ It seemed all he knew how to do was cause trouble, and he cared for nothing else; not his grades or studies or ever his reputation. He simply didn't give a shit about anything, ever since he came to the shinigami academy he had been nothing but a nuisance. The headmaster of the school, Thomas Russell, was fed up; he'd given this boy so many chances, offered him help and support, shown far more lenience than was deserved, but none of it ever mattered. It seemed he had no choice. He turned to the young redhead who was standing next to the large window on the west side of the room, staring indifferently at the busy street below. His eyes were dull and blank as usual, and his mouth seemed permanently fixed in a scowl. He was different than the other students, for one his fiery red hair was always unkempt and stuck out like a sore thumb, as well as his razor-sharp teeth. The man sighed again and stood, making his way over to the redhead cautiously, noting the injuries he had sustained last time he blew that short fuse.

"Mr. Sutcliff." He began in a soft yet firm tone. As he expected, he was completely ignored.

The man cleared his throat and tried again. "Grell Sutcliff, I am trying to speak with you."

Grell crossed his arms over his chest, still not looking away from the apparently fascinating scene below him. "Well, isn't that nice. Tell someone who gives a rat's ass."

Thomas knew better than to reprimand him for his foul mouth; all that would accomplish would be anger from the redhead, and he didn't want that. "Grell, I want to know why you thought it appropriate to place a lit match into a classroom full of students; do you have any idea what could have happened?"

Grell rolled his eyes. "Nothing, given that you didn't let me finish what I was doing."

The man's voice rose in pitch a tad. "So you're disappointed we confiscated the full gas can you had on your person with the intent of blowing the building up?"

"Naturally, that was my point all along; all you did was ruin any chance I had at any excitement today." He spoke as if discussing the weather, nonchalant and uncaring. Thomas took a deep breath lest he not lose his temper.

"Grell, you could have killed someone, you could have killed everyone in that room. As a shinigami your job is to safely collect the souls of those who die their scheduled deaths; I know you have a fascination with the concept of death, but that gives you no right or excuse to endanger innocent people with your pranks and schemes. You have done nothing but cause problems since day one."

"Will you get to the point old man? Your voice is quite annoying, and I have elsewhere I would like to be." The young reaper had remained staring out the window this entire time, his voice reeking with boredom and apathy. The headmaster decided it was time to bite the bullet.

"Grell Sutcliff, your actions and behaviors have been found unacceptable many times since your enrollment at this academy. I am afraid with your uncooperative attitude you leave me no choice; you are being sent to the group home for troubled men that is on site. You are to live there, attend therapy and take medication as the doctors see fit, and stay there until you get yourself straightened out. You do not get a say in the matter, it has been decided." Thomas braced himself, for he knew a storm would be coming. Sure enough.

"Tch. You honestly think you have the power to force me to go anywhere?"

"Sutcliff, you are going, there are no ifs ands or butts about it."

Grell laughed; it wasn't a happy or pleasant sound, but a crazed and bitter laugh, one that made Mr. Russell's hair stand on end.

"Okay, well you let me know how that works out for you; I must be going, you've wasted far too much of my time."

Grell turned to leave the room with a triumphant smirk on his face that quickly faded when he was blocked by two men who were much larger and stronger than him. Although it only faded for a second, for of course he wouldn't let this deter him; in the blink of an eye he pulled a pocketknife out and rammed it onto one of the large men's arm, forcing the man to stumble backwards a bit and hiss in pain. Grell grinned devilishly, fang-like teeth glistening.

"See what happens if you get in my way? Now, if you'll excuse me sir." He made to push past the other man but not before turning to the headmaster. "You can go to hell old man."

A mistake on his part, for while he had his back turned the man in front of him pulled a syringe full of bright blue liquid from his pocket and jabbed the hypodermic needle into the redheads arm, injecting the liquid quickly. Grell yelped in surprise, but by the time he had turned around and slapped the mad across the face it was too late; he had already been given the drugs.

"And just what the fuck do you think you're doing?" Grell snarled, anger rolling off of him like a heat wave. The man said nothing, watching silently, and within minutes Grell fell to the ground, out cold from the sedation, his breathing slow and even. Thomas sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I had wanted to avoid that method, but I feared he would become violent. I don't see how he keeps getting those knives back after we take them away." He turned to the two men and nodded. "I thank you, if you will please transport him to the facility now, and you go and see to your arm. I apologize on behalf of this school."

"Nah, it's alright, don't worry 'bout me. Just a mere scratch this is." The man was quite chipper and upbeat, Thomas found it a bit strange, but shrugged it off.

"Well, I am relieved to hear it. Once again, I thank you for your services. I'd hurry if I were you; knowing him he won't be out long."

The uninjured man picked Grell up, hoisting him up on his shoulder, and exited the room silently, while his companion scurried off to the infirmary to get patched up. Thomas slumped in his desk chair, hoping fiercely that he was making the right decision here.

"Wha? Where am I?" Grell slowly came to in a strange room; it was dimly lit and fairly small. He was lying on a rather soft bed; he tried to move his arms and legs but found he couldn't. He was a baffled and a bit disoriented and was about to demand he be untied when he heard a door open to his right. He looked up the best he could and saw a young fair haired nurse carrying a clipboard and smiling warily at him.

"Good afternoon Mr. Sutcliff; I see you are awake."

He stared at her dully, still a bit drugged. "Where am I and why can't I move?"

She bowed a bit. "My apologies sir; I am Marie, I am your admitting nurse. And you are in the mental illness ward of our institution. I am afraid we must keep you here for observation for a bit."

Grell glared at her and his voice rose a bit, his tone angry. "Mental illness? Why the hell do I need to be here?"

Marie frowned slightly. "Well Mr. Sutcliff, we have seen many many patients come through this facility; we know all the signs of the illnesses we treat, we know someone who is suffering from one when we see it."

"Oh? And just what is it I'm suffering from?" He asked in a quiet yet dangerous tone.

She sighed and adjusted her violet rimmed glasses that matched her eyes. "Those marks and scars on your arms Mr. Sutcliff; we know what they are, and what you did. It's okay, you don't need to hide here. All we are going to do is figure out why you did it so we can help you stop doing it."

"Dammit, you bitch." Grell cursed loudly, causing Marie to blanch and drop her clipboard. She had been called many things, mostly by patients who were heavily drugged, but it was rare a man used such foul language against her.

"Excuse me sir, that is no way for you to speak to a lady!" She chastised. He growled at her and began struggling against his restraints.

"Do you honestly think I give a damn who or what you are? Why would I? You're just another person who is in my way, another who doesn't understand! You best untie me and then leave me the fuck alone _miss."_ He spat the last word as if it was a foul taste in his mouth; the young lady merely sighed and picked her clipboard up.

"I am afraid I cannot do that yet Mr. Sutcliff; you must stay here for a few more hours. After that you will be moved to your permanent residence here, but we shall be keeping a close eye on you, have no doubt. And if you refuse to cooperate with us you will never get to leave this place; it's nothing personal, but we typically don't like our patients to stay for extended periods of time. We prefer that you would cooperate and let us help you. Does that sound agreeable to you?"

Grell laughed, exasperated and a bit frazzled. "No! It doesn't sound the least bit agreeable, I have no desire to work with or cooperate with any of you. Do you understand that? Does the word no register in your nonexistent brain?"

"Mr. Sutcliff-"

"Get out of here, filthy wench." He spat at her and pulled his hand up as much as he could, flashing his middle finger to her. "I'm done."

Finally giving up, the girl nodded once and exited the room silently, shutting the door behind her. Grell sighed in frustration and lay back down, drifting off in a light drug induced haze.

When he woke a few hours later he was in another room in another bed, only this time he was covered in a thick blanket and was able to move his arms and legs; he was not however able to leave the windowless room, as he discovered after trying to pry the heavy metal door open. He huffed and sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around for the first time. The room was actually quite nice; beside the bed was a night table with a few drawers and a matching dresser sat on the wall opposite the bed; there was a small closet next to it and another door on the left wall, which he could only assume led to the bathroom. The other side of the room mirrored his; he wondered if anyone else lived there, though he doubted it because it seemed completely empty. His bag and one other were piled neatly at the foot of his bed, no doubt containing all of his belongings; how nice of them to pack his things before drugging him and sending him off to some freak house against his will. He ran his fingers through his disheveled red locks, anxiety starting to set in. On the surface of course he was stone cold, never showing any emotion at all, and he would damn sure never admit to anyone that he felt any. But he did, because he was weak and worthless, and it only made him loathe himself more.

He got up and slowly made his way into the bathroom, noting the clock on his nightstand that read 3:24 A.M. Surely no one would be watching him at this time of night; he couldn't let anyone discover his secret.

He knew his beloved knife was gone; he was sure they'd searched his bags and disposed of any sharp objects he had. He flipped the light switch and was blinded for a few seconds until his eyes adjusted to the brightness, then he waltzed over to the sink and stood in front of it.

Yes, they took his precious blades; they did a thorough check of him and his belongings to be sure he had no more sharp objects left.

But it seemed they hadn't been thorough enough.

Gazing momentarily at his reflection, he took a deep breath and bent his head over the sink. He squeezed his eyes shut and quickly shoved two of his fingers to the back of his throat to induce vomiting, retching and coughing up the contents of his stomach. There wasn't much in there given that he hadn't eaten anything for several hours; he didn't know how many. However, the object he was after was in there, and it feel into the sink with a plop.

It was a strange object for one to keep in their gut; a small rectangle that was heavily wrapped in what appeared to be medical tape. He wiped his mouth and took a moment to catch his breath before picking the object up, smiling like a Cheshire cat as he began to unwrap it, revealing a sharp thin razorblade. He rolled the sleeve of his nightshirt, which he knew the hospital had dressed him in as it was plain and not at all flattering, then pressed the cold metal to the already marred skin of his right forearm, lightly at first, just extracting a few droplets of blood, then harder, deeper, moving up and down, over scars and scabs and the small amount of untouched skin he still had; he no longer cared to have any sort of rhyme or reason to it, just move to blade blindly, mechanically, bring forth the blood and sharp stinging pain that numbed his senses and calmed his nerves. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief, stopping only when his arm was coated with blood, the pain and cleanup taking all of his focus; suddenly it didn't matter where he was or what tomorrow may bring.

"At least you understand; you're the only one who does." He cooed softly. He went back into the room and opened his bag, digging out his first aid kit, leaving a trail of blood droplets in his wake. Once he found it he cleaned and wrapped his arm carefully and rewrapped the razorblade, placing it inside his mattress through a small opening on the side of it. Once he accomplished that and cleaned the blood from the floor and the sink, he pulled something else out of his bag; something he never wanted anyone to see, yet he felt he couldn't live without.

It was a heart shaped locket, gold with small rubies encrusted on the front of it. On the back there was an inscription in French; Grell held it by the delicate chain then read it out loud to himself. _"Toujours dans mon Coeur."_

He then clicked the button on top of it and it popped open, revealing a small photo; a photo of a beautiful woman with bright red hair. In her arms she held a small child with matching hair, and both were smiling and laughing, happiness radiating from them.

Grell studied it for a moment, tears pooling in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks; seeing that happiness now was like pouring salt on the wounds. Those days were long gone, never to return; all he had to hold onto was despair. And it was all because of _him. _

A sob escaped his throat and it angered him; he hated his weakness, that he couldn't be stronger. He hated himself, because he knew he'd let her down.

He pressed his lips gently to the photo then clutched the locket tightly against his chest, lying down on his side and curling up, silent sobs racking his small frame. After a few minutes he began to calm down, feeling exhausted and weak. He uttered a four more words softly before he finally gave in and feel into a deep sleep.

"_Mere, tu me manques."_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to everyone who had reviewed/favorite/followed so far, it really means a lot to me! ^^**

**I apologize for not translating the French phrases to begin with, I will be sure to always do that from now on, I promise! **

_**Toujours dans mon Coeur = Forever in my heart.**_

_**Mere, tu me manques = Mother, I miss you.**_

**Thank you for pointing that out to me! **

**I am picturing Grell as he is in the OVA as well ^^ And I have always believed there is much more depth to him than just the crazy fangirl side, he just hides it. Same with William, and now it's his turn. This is how I view his past going. This chapter is where the eating disorder content begins, so beware my readers. This may not come as easily to me as Grell did as I can't relate to this quite as easily, but I'm hoping I can still make it good. And as always, I own none of the characters/plots from black butler, only my own. I hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think!**

There was a soft knock on the door, and then a voice called out before opening it and stepping into the huge immaculate room. "Young master William, it is time to wake up."

An elderly man with grey hair and kind eyes pushed a silver cart into the room and next to the white clad king sized bed on which William Spears was laying, than stepped over to the window to draw the curtains back, allowing sunlight to pour into the room. "Beautiful day today, isn't it sir?"

William sat up and yawned, attempting to flatten his unruly black hair and glancing out the window with a small smile on his lips. "Yes Alfred, I suppose it is."

Alfred smiled at his master, making his way over to the tray to pour him a cup of his favorite earl grey. "Perhaps we shall hold some of your lessons outside today if you would like; you are looking awfully pale, a bit of sunlight would do you some good sir."

William rolled his eyes. "In your opinion I'm _always _looking pale, and far too thin and sickly as well. I believe you would feed me all day long if you were allowed."

The old man chuckled. "Perhaps I would sir. I just think you work yourself a bit too hard sometimes. You know, perfection isn't everything young master; one need not be great at everything they do."

William smirked and shook his head a bit. "One need not, unless that one is me. I do not see that as a bad thing. Besides," he met the old man's blue eyes with a smirk, "whatever would mother say if my grades slipped? Her heart would be broken."

Alfred handed William his tea, loaded with sugar as always. "Well yes, I suppose you are right. Once you have finished your tea I shall help you dress and the escort you downstairs, your parents are waiting in the dining hall to have breakfast with you."

William nodded and sipped his tea. "Thank you Alfred." He continued to drink until he had finished it only a few minutes later, then stood and allowed Alfred to dress him. "What is on my schedule for today?"

"Nothing more than your ordinary lessons master William. Your father has two business meetings away from the manor this afternoon; your mother however has left her schedule open for today, perhaps you and her may go into town to have dinner and do a bit of shopping once your lessons are complete."

"Yes, that sounds nice. Thank you Alfred, I daresay I don't know what I would do without you."

Alfred chuckled as he finished tying the green ribbon around William's neck to match his green-gold eyes. "Well, I daresay you would get along just fine. You are a smart young man William." Alfred stood and bowed to his young master. "Now, if you are ready I shall escort you to the dining hall."

"Yes, thank you Alfred." With that the two left the room and walked down the long hallway and the huge marble staircase to the downstairs portion of the house, then into the beautiful dining hall where his mother and father were seated together at one end of the long table. Upon Williams approach his mother stood and hugged him, kissing the top of his head, then curtsied to Alfred with a smile. I thank you Alfred. You may be dismissed now. Please have Rose bring William his breakfast will you?"

Alfred bowed "Of course my lady, she shall be here momentarily." With that he exited the room through the kitchen. Moments later a petite young woman with long auburn hair and chocolate brown eyes entered carrying a silver tray and setting it in front of William, revealing roast duck and a cinnamon scone. "Here you are sir, I made you your favorites."

He smiled up at the maid. "Thank you Miss Rose, it looks delicious." With that the young lady curtsied then scurried out of the room. William took a few small bites of his food, chewing them slowly so he wouldn't eat as quickly. His mother, who never ate much herself, had already finished her breakfast. She smiled fondly at her son and pulled a letter out to show him. "Look at this dear, it's a letter from your tutor; she says you have top marks in all of your lessons, and at this rate you can get into the top shinigami academy in the entire realm! They only accept the best of the best. Isn't that wonderful?"

William smiled and took the letter, scanning over it. "Yes, I suppose it is. That was very nice of her to send this."

"Indeed. You never fail to make us proud son; we couldn't be more pleased. You are simply perfect darling." She squeezed her son's shoulder affectionately then her husband chimed in with his agreement.

"Your mother is quite right son; you should be quite proud of yourself, as we both are. There isn't another young man in the entire world who is as perfect as you are dear William, and we love you for it."

William blushed and smiled, meeting his father's eyes for a moment before lowering them to the table. "Thank you mother, father. I suppose I owe my success to you."

Ella smiled and squealed a bit. "Ooh, so modest you are my love. We could have never asked for a better son."

"That's right." Thomas agreed with his wife. "The gods have truly smiled upon us."

William accepted the praise silently, hoping if he just took it in stride they would stop; it seemed to work as his mother then stood and leaned over her husband to kiss him gently on the lips.

"Well, I suppose I must be going to make preparations for later. Andrew should have the carriage ready for you out front dear; I shall see you for dinner this evening. William, good luck with your lessons today dear, and I shall see you for afternoon tea."

"Yes mother, thank you. Good luck today father."

Thomas stood from the table and squeezed his son's arm. "Thank you Will, I shall see you both later." With that his father and mother both exited the dining hall to make of to their respective locations for the day; William knew Alfred would come to collect him soon to begin his math lesson, but he just couldn't wait any longer. That particular morning had been worse than usual; his parents praising him and calling him perfect, he couldn't stand it. Like they even had any idea. Him perfect? What a laughable concept.

But he had to be perfect, there was no other option for him; that's why he had to do it, had to make himself perfect, had to have control over himself. Otherwise he would never be good enough.

Without waiting for Alfred he exited and made his way upstairs to the large bathroom that was next to his bedroom; he went in and shut the door quietly, then kneeled in front of the toilet, his parents words ringing in his mind.

_You never fail to make us proud._

_You are perfect!_

_We couldn't have asked for a better son._

_Stop it stop it stop it! _ William screamed silently inside his head over and over, but the words wouldn't stop, the voices only grew louder.

He wasn't perfect, he wasn't a good son, it was all lies. He knew the truth; the truth that he was nothing but a failure.

He bent over the toilet, peering at his reflection in the clear water.

"Nothing. You're nothing." He whispered angrily. He then proceeded to make himself vomit, disposing of all the food in his stomach that his body was trying to digest. He repeated the process a few times, coughing and sputtering, until there was nothing left and he was dry heaving. Only then did he flush the nasty liquid away and lean his head back against the wall, his throat and lungs burning from the acid and lack of oxygen.

"Can't you see it? You are nothing at all. Soon they will all find out, and they will all hate you as much as you hate yourself. At least this gives you some control, and some payment for your sins." He muttered to himself, still panting and feeling a bit lightheaded; though he was used to that, as he disposed of every meal he ate in this way. It was painful, but it was only what he deserved, what he needed, what had to happen. Because if he didn't do this, everything would spin out of control his world would burn to the ground, his life would be over.

"Well master William, I thought this is what you've been doing."

William nearly jumped out of his skin and his head shot up, his eyes widened in panic. He'd forgotten to lock the door! And there was Alfred, he had caught him in the act, had seen and heard the whole thing. _Dammit, now I really am about to lose it all!_

"Alfred, um, forgive me for my embarrassing display; it seems the duck didn't quite agree with me this morning." He tried to play it off as foodborne illness but he knew it was in vain; it was too late to try to save himself.

"Young master, I would ask that you please do not lie to me; I do not appreciate it. And in any case, I saw what you just did, and heard every word you said; I know what is going on, and I am afraid I cannot stand by and watch while you do this to yourself."

"But, Alfred, please-"

"Master, we can do this the easy way or the hard was." Alfred cut him off gently. "Now I love you and your mother and father very dearly, and I cannot stand to see any of you in pain. As your butler it is my duty to ensure your health and prosperity, and to do what is best for you, no matter what. Do you understand William?"

William lowered his head and nodded; he knew he had lost, and quite frankly he didn't care much what happened to him now. He lifted his arms as if he was about to be handcuffed, his way of surrendering, of giving up. The war that raged inside of him was over; he had lost, and now he would slowly fade away. That would hold true no matter where he went from here, so he would allow his loved ones to do what would make them happy.

"Yes Alfred. I am sorry, I was wrong, and I will take whatever punishment you deem necessary for me."

At this, Alfred was a bit surprised. "You were not wrong master; you are simply ill, and I just want to do whatever necessary to make you better. Don't think of this is punishment, for you do not deserve such; you simply need help, and you will get it, you will get your life back."

William nodded, but on the inside his mind was laughing at him. 'Get your life back. That will never happen; your life is over you filthy wench.'

A few hours later, after Alfred had sat William and his parents down to speak to them, all the tears that were shed, the apologies for not noticing his illness sooner, the calling around to find the best treatment center available, and the packing and the goodbyes, during all of which William remained silent and cooperative, he was loaded in the carriage and on his way to the facility he would live and supposedly recover in for the next several months.

At least, that was the plan according to his family.

But he knew there was no recovering for him, no going back. He was done, his life would soon be no more.

And strangely enough, he didn't mind so much.

**Oh William ;-; Well, I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know what you think! And they're finally going to meet in the next chapter, which I hope to have up in the next few days. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's ch 3 ^^ I'm on a roll with this story. For anyone who is wondering yes I am still doing my sequel to better to have loved and lost, I plan to start it soon. Anyways, I own nothing, and enjoy **

"Okay, let's see…Grell Sutcliff, we are ready for you now."

The doctor opened the door to the waiting room and flipped through his clipboard a bit before summoning the redheaded shinigami to follow him to the exam rooms in the back of the clinic. When the floor nurse had come to wake him that morning she had of course discovered what he had done. She pried him for information, namely where the object he had used was so she could confiscate it, and had gained a broken nose for her trouble.

Now Grell was the one in trouble; of course, to hit a lady was a very serious offense. But for now the focus of the staff was his arm; why he had done it and how they could stop it, because either he was a master at hiding things or knew of ways to use his environment to harm himself. Either way, they had to get to the bottom of it if he had any hope of recovery; first on the agenda however was getting him to cooperate.

He stood and followed the young black haired man, refusing to speak or acknowledge him at all, as was expected. He led Grell into the first room they came to and gestured to the chair across from the table that held all the basic medical supplies. "Have a seat Mr. Sutcliff."

Grell complied and plopped down into the chair, his arms folded across his chest and his eyes trained to the ground; he was determined to remain this way no matter what the doctor said. All he wanted was to retreat to the safety of his room and to never be bothered by these people again, but it would seem that wasn't going to happen.

The doctor tried to engage a conversation with the redhead by speaking of something light and neutral. "Alright Grell, how are you doing today? It's quite a beautiful day outside isn't it?"

Inwardly Grell scoffed; did this imbecile honestly thinking talking about the _weather _would suddenly bring him out of hiding? He must be a complete idiot. On the outside however the shinigami gave no sign of acknowledgement.

The man sighed, and patiently tried again. "Grell I know you don't want to be here and you don't want to talk to me; most of our new patients don't either. But you have to understand that you have a problem; you are ill, and your head is messed up due to the trauma you've suffered, and-"

"How the hell would you know anything about _my _trauma?" Grell snarled, breaking his vow to himself, but he couldn't listen to this man prattle on about something he knew nothing of; no one did, except for Grell. They didn't know, and they could never understand. So why would he waste his time talking to them?

Well, in Dr. Wallace's mind, this was some progress, so he continued. "I know your story Grell, and I know what you went through. I read your file-"

"Stop. Right now." Grell stood and balled his hands into tight fists, speaking through clenched teeth; it was actually a fairly menacing sight. "You think, just because you read a damn _file _that you know what I've been through? Because you wear that hideous white coat it qualifies you to judge me and make assumptions? What you better do is shut your damn mouth before I knock your teeth into your throat." Grell hissed, his eyes burning. Dr. Wallace stood and made one last attempt to calm the hotheaded man, but of course it was to no avail.

"Grell, do not speak that way or make threats like that, if you keep this up we will have to restrain you. Please just sit down and calm yourself; we can get through this together, you just have to let me in."

"Hah! What a laughable idea. You really have no clue what you're talking about."

"Grell, what happened to your mother was-"

And at that point Grell's fist made contact with the young doctor's face, causing him to stumble back and clutch his bleeding mouth.

"Don't you ever _ever _talk about her! You have absolutely no right! And don't come near me again or I swear I'll kill you!" Grell's eyes were utterly crazed by the time he'd finished speaking, and then he was running; unsure of where he was going exactly, but he knew somewhere far away from here. He ran out of the medical ward and down the hallway, into the portion of the building he believed his room was in; maybe if he shut the door and pushed all the furniture up against it they wouldn't be able to get to him.

Or maybe he should just lock himself in the bathroom and end it all.

He'd been unable to prevent tears from springing into his eyes much to his dismay and they blinded him as he ran; blinded him so that he couldn't see the young man he was about to crash into until it was too late and Grell was laying on top of him. It took him a minute to realize what had happened, disoriented as he was, but once he did he jumped off of the stranger and got to his feet, hiding his face in shame.

"Why don't you watch where you're going." He mumbled weakly, though he knew the collision had been entirely his fault.

However, the young man in front of him took no offense; rather he bowed and spoke gently to the redhead. "My apologies, it's just you were running so fast I didn't have time to move. I do hope you are not injured."

Now Grell couldn't help but look up; the man's voice was beautiful; deep yet melodic at the same time. Was that even possible? Anyway, he had to see what the man he'd rudely run into looked like; when he did he was taken, stunned into silence for a moment.

The young man in front of him was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen; his slightly unkempt raven hair and bright golden eyes stood out perfectly against his flawless ivory skin; he wore dark rimmed glasses and dark slightly loose clothing. He seemed very thin and a little frail, which made Grell curious. Not that he cared of course. He shook his head to clear it, and then eyed the other boy suspiciously.

"No, I'm not injured, and you best be glad for that. Now I must be going, good day." Grell didn't want to walk away from the beautiful raven-haired boy, not at all, but he couldn't allow himself to become soft or lose sight of his goal; he turned to walk away and William didn't stop him, although he was a bit concerned and put off by the redhead's rude and standoffish behavior, not to mention that it was obvious he'd been crying. But William had his own problems to worry about and he wasn't a counselor, and in any case he didn't do too well with emotions, so he simply let it go and continued his trek down the hallway in search of his new room he had been assigned.

Back in his own room Grell slammed the door shut and flopped down on his bed, burying his face in his pillow and screaming at the top of his lungs; he screamed until his throat was numb and his voice raspy, then he cried until he became exhausted and fell asleep.

William had finally located his new room; he knocked on the closed door softly, remembering that he had a roommate whom was already living here, and waited. When he got no response he slowly opened the door and slipped inside, closing it behind him before looking around and taking in his surroundings; compared to his room at home of course this room was quite small and shabby, but he really didn't care much for such things, so he knew he would be comfortable here. Although he had to admit he would miss Alfred; his butler was more like a friend to him, and it would be hard to get through the day without him. His eyes scanned the other side of the room briefly at first, then honed in on his apparent roommate; the redheaded boy from before was sprawled out on his own bed, fast asleep. William felt a bit nervous now; that boy had not been nice at all, and it seemed he was a bit mentally unsound. Then again, he guessed they all were, otherwise why would they be here? And William remembered that he'd been crying; perhaps he was just having a bad day. Regardless, he had a feeling it was going to be hard to get along with him. He sighed and went to his own bed, laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling, unsure of what to do; wait for the boy to wake up he supposed. He pulled a book out from one of his bags, having packed several of his favorites, then opened it and began reading, allowing it to transport him somewhere else, somewhere far away, somewhere safe and beautiful and magical.

Several hours later Grell woke with a start; sweat was pouring down his face and his breathing was labored. He sat up, clutching his head in his hand and trying to calm himself. "Fucking nightmare." He muttered to himself. He stood, a bit shaky, snatched the razor out from his mattress and stalked into the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door because no one was around; or so he thought.

When he emerged from the bathroom a few moments later, blood dripping from his arm, he looked up and nearly fell over, shock and panic evident on his face. There was another boy sitting on the bed on the other side of the room, watching him calmly, seemingly waiting for him to speak; not only that, it was the same boy he'd run into in the hallway earlier. He gaped for a moment before he regained his composure and gave the dark haired boy a look that could freeze hell. "What are you looking at? This isn't a show you know, so feel free to avert your fucking eyes."

"Why did you do that?" William couldn't help the words that spilled from his mouth, though he instantly regretted it, afraid his question would send the redhead into a frenzy.

Grell growled at him as was his usual response. "Why the hell would I tell you that?"

William recoiled a bit; he wasn't used to being spoken to like that. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"I don't care, so don't bother explaining." Grell sighed and turned away from William, taking his first aid kit out from under his bed. "Look, I suppose we will be roommates from now on, so just leave me alone and we'll get along fine; I have no desire to talk or be friends with you, and quite frankly I don't care why you're here. Just stay out of my way." Without waiting for a response Grell went back into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.

Once inside, he slumped against the door and sunk to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and allowing a few tears to fall; he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up. These dreams were happening more and more frequently and he couldn't get that man's voice out of his head; it played over and over, haunting him, unraveling his sanity.

"He was right, I'm worthless, and a filthy _fag!" _

He was disgusted with himself; his thoughts of ending it all returned.

"Why shouldn't I?" He stood and walked to the sink, turning the water on and running his arm under it, watching as the blood ran into the sink and stained the white porcelain; the crimson soothed him, it reminded him of her; if he closed his eyes he could almost feel her beside him, almost touch her silky red hair that he used to love running his fingers through.

He slumped against the cabinet now, allowing his head to slump forward and his eyes to close, willing himself to slip into a dream where his mother was still here, where she'd never been taken from him; where he could feel happiness, like a deep crimson sunset , setting his eyes and his heart ablaze with its warm peaceful glow.

**Meh, I couldn't come up with anything better for the ending. What's wrong with me today?**

**Hetalia, that's what's wrong. I started watching it on a friend's suggestion and it is major addictive. **

**Anyway, I hope this chapter is alright; not much interaction between them yet, but that will change. I'm thinking William isn't going to have **_**too **_**hard of a time recovering, Grell of course will be another story.**

**Also, I am going to start the process of moving this story to . They invited me to join their writing team after reading my work here which was quite exciting to me :D I guess I will still post it here, but I would very much appreciate it if you would follow me there as well, and leave me a review. This weekend is con weekend for me, I'm cosplaying Grell, Pikachu and Ciel, and I'm very excited. So it may be a week or so before the next chapter goes up. **

**Thank you all for your continued support, any questions/comments/suggestions are always welcome. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh my god, seriously guys I cannot tell you how sorry I am for the delay on this story! I really feel so bad, and I love this story, I really do, I never wanted to abandon it for so long. But I must say thank you so so much to all of you who have reviewed, especially if you have encouraged me to continue, because once I picked it back up it came to me so easily and I'm so happy to be writing it again. And now I have a better idea of a lot of details and who the whole thing is going to play out ^^ I hope this chapter makes up for the delay, I can't promise my updates will be major timely but they will be much more so than this one was. I do not own Black Butler unfortunately. **

"_Mama?"_

_Jeanne smiled down at her small son who sat on her lap, her eyes full of adoration. She stroked his vibrant hair, the same color as her own, the color of spider lilies, and kissed the top of his head softly. _

"_Yes, what is it cheri?"_

"_You're so pretty." The small boy smiled and took his mother's hand in his own, squeezing it gently. _

_The woman laughed lightly, the sound like a chorus of bells. "Well thank you mon amour. You are very handsome."_

_Grell frowned. "I think I'd rather be pretty like you mama."_

_Jeanne just smiled good naturedly. "Well, if that is what you want then that is okay Grell; you can be whatever you want to be." She lifted him slightly and held him close. "No matter what, I will always love you."_

"_I love you too mama…"_

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"What the fuck?" Grell muttered, rolling over in his bed to face his wooden nightstand, along with the annoying alarm clock that perched on top of it innocently, as if it hadn't just pulled him from one of his exceedingly rare good dreams with its damn beeping. _ Shit. _

He picked up his red rimmed glasses from beside the clock and put them on, then rolled on his back to face the ceiling, huffing irritably; the previous day was slowly coming back to him, albeit a bit fuzzy, and he groaned inwardly when he remembered that his new roommate, the striking dark haired boy, had discovered his secret, what he does to himself, almost immediately after meeting him. It made him feel even worse than he usually did; he could just hear the criticizing judgmental voices now: _Way to fuck up again fag. _

"Dammit, shut the fuck up." He ground out, screwing his eyes shut and trying to feel something past the cloud of misery that perpetually hung over his entire being; it made it hard to think clearly or to even breathe sometimes, it felt as if a weight was crushing him, and the only time he got a bit of relief was when he hurt himself. It was a never ending vicious cycle and he was trapped right in the middle of the vortex; oh sure, the doctors and nurses thought they could help him get out of it, but they didn't realize just how deep in he was; there was no going back once one got so far in over their head.

"Excuse me, but who are you telling to shut up?"

Grell's head snapped up from its position on the pillow and he glared daggers at the other boy, who was sitting on the edge of the bed eyeing him curiously. His hair was sticking up all over the place and he was still dressed in his nightclothes, but his seemed a bit fancier than Grell's; he must have brought his own. The boy looked even more beautiful now than he had the previous day; it was rather difficult for Grell to hold his angry gaze as his eyes drank in the sight of him. But somehow he managed, and felt rather accomplished at this feat.

"I thought I told you not to bother me; do I need to explain to you exactly what that entails?" Grell questioned, voice dripping with malice.

William blushed nervously and shook his head, averting his eyes. "N-no, I merely wanted to be sure you are alright, that's all."

Grell turned away, his voice softening a bit, though it didn't sound kind due to the change; dead would probably be a better way to describe it.

"You honestly think that if I was okay I would be stuck in this hell hole?"

"Well no, I just-"

"Listen." Grell cut him off, fixing him with a cold stare. "If you're one of those people who thinks they need to go around helping everyone fix their problems that's great, whoop-dee fucking do, you get whatever the hell your issue is straightened out and go to school and graduate and get a job helping those of us who are fucked in the head. But leave me out of it, I want no part of being counseled or helped by anyone and that includes you. Got it?"

William nodded silently, not daring to question the other shinigami's request. Grell eyed him a bit longer, and there was a flash of something in his eyes William couldn't place; it didn't seem overly unpleasant, but it was gone before William could get any idea of what it might have been.

Grell's eyes narrowed a bit. "What's your name?"

"W-William. William T. Spears." William replied, his voice just a tad bit shaky. He didn't know why, though he guessed it had to be the redhead's intimidating nature, but he felt very anxious with the other focusing on him so; his stomach was fluttering in a way he wasn't used to.

Grell just nodded once, his eyes never leaving William's. "I'm Grell. I guess if we're going to be living together we need to know each other's names." Grell didn't offer a last name and William didn't ask for one; better not to push him when he was being halfway civil.

He did however smile a bit. "It's nice to meet you Grell."

Grell rolled his eyes. "Tch. Whatever."

The two sat in silence for a few moments, not a very comfortable silence but it could have been worse, and were both a bit startled when there was a loud knock on their door and it was slowly pushed open after a few moment's hesitation. Marie, the same nurse who Grell had dealt with the other day, entered the room and bowed to them, smiling kindly. "Good morning, excuse me for entering your room, but I must make my morning rounds and give the two of you the usual check over; after that I'm going to show you around the facility a bit more so that you know where everything is, at least the parts of the building you will be seeing and using. Does that sound alright?" William nodded politely while Grell just glared at her; she sighed inwardly and pointedly ignored it, looking to the charts in her hands and flipping one of the open. "Alright then, William, is it?"

"Yes ma'am?" William asked quietly. She smiled and gestured for him to stand and join her, which he did so without protest. She began to check over his body swiftly, not finding anything concerning, though with this particular patient she hadn't expected to; he seemed to be a fairly easy case, recently discovered as a bulimic with no history of mental illness or problems; probably just suffering from a bit too much stress. They saw this kind of case all the time and it was pretty routine. "Okay, everything on you checks out. I just need to get your weight. If you would follow me." She led William into the adjacent bathroom and opened the small closet next to the toilet. It appeared to be empty except for a large scale, one like all the doctor's offices had, where you had to slide the little bars into place in order to get a reading. William eyed it nervously; being weighed was not a simple task for him as it was for everyone else in the world, and this fact made him feel even stranger than he already did. Nonetheless, if he was going to go through the motions of 'recovering', he would have to deal with it sooner or later. Marie pulled the scale, which had wheels attached to the bottom, out of the closet enough for William to stand on it and for her to easily move the bars into place. She did so, fiddling with them a bit to make sure they were just right, then smiled at William. "All done, you can get down now."

William looked at her questioningly. "So, what do I weigh?"

She frowned slightly. "Well, I can tell you if you really want to know, but usually we withhold weigh-ins from ED patients, it just gives you another thing to worry over and more pressure on yourself to reach a certain point, and we try to keep the stress to a minimum." She explained kindly and then patted his arm. "Just don't worry about that dear. You checked out just fine, so if you will wait a moment and allow me to tend to Grell I will take you both to breakfast and give you a tour." William nodded and retreated to his side of the room, grabbing some clothes to put on and then shutting himself in his bathroom to change into them as Marie put the scale back in it's proper place then left the bathroom, making her way over to the angry redhead who was eyeing her very suspiciously. "Good morning Grell, how are you today?"

Grell said nothing, just raised an eyebrow at her, as if to say 'what the hell do you think?'

She sighed and tried again, moving a bit closer to him. "Grell, you can remain mute for as long as you like, but that's not going to get you anywhere in the way of recovery. Please, just answer my question, it's not that hard. "

"Fine, then I'm just fucking peachy." He spat, rolling his eyes. "Happy now?"

Marie pursed her lips, about to reply, when she noticed the white bandages that were yet again covering Grell's right forearm. She was sure to keep her face neutral and not make a big to do over it, and just calmly gestured to the wrapped arm. "You did it again?" She asked softly.

"No, I just like to wrap my arms in gauze for the hell of it." Grell replied flatly, but much to the young woman's surprise, he stood and held his arm out for her to examine, hanging his head and averting his eyes. "Well go on, look at it if you must." She sighed softly and began to unwrap the bandages. Of course she was never shocked to see the aftermath of a self-harmer's rampage on themselves, as she'd seen it countless times now. But she had to admit, Grell was definitely one of the worst she had ever seen; she wasn't really sure exactly what his reasons were for cutting, but judging by how deep he did it staying alive was probably not high on his priority list. She carefully looked over his arm, along with the rest of his body, and sighed, facing him and squaring her shoulders. "Grell, listen to me. I do not want to see you suffer and have a hard time during your sty at this facility, I would much rather see you begin to recover and hopefully turn around and get out of this place, but you have to put forth at least the tiniest bit of effort. Now I could be wrong, but it seems to me like you don't care at all about recovering and-"

"I don't." Grell cut her off. "I have no reason to. This life holds nothing for me."

"Then why haven't you already offed yourself, if you're so sure that you want no part of recovering and reclaiming your life?"

Grell's eyes narrowed dangerously. "That is none of your fucking business my dear."

Marie nodded curtly, violet eyes flashing. "Of course not. Very well. You will be going to see the doctor again this afternoon Grell, and both of you have your first group therapy meeting at four. Today is individualized treatments so you will be in separate groups; there are some days the two of you will be in the same group. Now, I will give you both a bit of time to dress yourselves and get ready for breakfast and I shall return to collect you shortly." With that she spun on her heel and exited the room, shutting and locking the door behind her. As soon as she was out of sight, Grell turned and knelt beside his mattress, slipping the razor out from under it. He turned it over delicately in his fingers, watching it glint in the fluorescent light beaming down from the ceiling. He frowned at his arm, already covered in many fresh cuts, and then at his blade; he didn't normally like to cut _this _often, but he just couldn't take this damn place. Back to the doctor? And what the hell was this shit about group therapy?

He wanted no part of it, that was for damn sure.

He figured that, eventually, they would realize he was a completely hopeless case and give up on him; maybe they'd let him go free or maybe they'd put him in a padded cell, he really didn't care as long as they left him alone.

And besides, if he cut too much, too deep, hit a vein, would it really be such a bad thing?

He very lightly pressed the blade against a small, unmarred spot of skin, bringing a small bead of blood to the surface. He was able to sigh in relief at the sight of it; he wouldn't be able to do much at the moment, but he could at least do something to alleviate the stress he was feeling. He mindlessly poked at his skin with the blade for a few moments, not paying any attention to his surroundings, so when a voice sounded behind him, although soft and gentle, it nearly gave him a heart attack.

"Please stop that."

Grell turned around abruptly, eyes wide and fearful, and gazed up at the other boy who was standing behind him. He slid the razor back into its hiding place and stood slowly, facing William, who was now cowering slightly for fear he was about to be ripped apart by the moody redhead.

But Grell didn't scream or curse or any of that; all he did was fix William with a steady gaze and ask in a low, soft voice. "Why do you care?"

The question wasn't full of sarcasm or venom like most of Grell's questions were; it was a genuine question, one that had him utterly baffled, because who cared about him? No one, that's who. So he couldn't understand why the brunet was so insistent upon interfering with what he did.

William just shrugged, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose and staring right back. "I just don't want to see you hurt yourself; is that so hard to believe?"

Before Grell had a chance to reply Marie pushed the door open once again and poked her head in the room. "It's time for breakfast, if you will both please follow me."

William nodded and followed the young woman out of the room, but not before placing a hand gently on Grell's shoulder as he passed him. The redhead flinched away from the touch as if it was painful, but once the hand was removed there was a strange electric sensation left in its wake, buzzing over his skin, and strangely enough, he found there was a part of him, though it was an exponentially small part, that wished the contact hadn't ended quite so abruptly.

**So what did you think, any good? I hope you guys like it, and again I'm so very sorry for the wait. I'll get the next chapter up soon I promise. It's now bedtime for me. Ciao! **


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